In August 2020, I decided to quit my job at Chase bank and finally pursue this photography business full-time. It was time for me to take the plunge and cash out the planning and take the risk of leaving my stable job with benefits for a business I created with my own two hands.
Needless to say, anyone who has a full-time job and security (especially during a pandemic) understands how risky and edgy it can be to leave it all behind.
I took the plunge and it all went well.
Until it didn’t.
I burned out with a capital B.
I was so nervous about my financial end falling out beneath me that I put my pedal to the metal until there was nothing in the tank to burn.
So by 2023, I took the majority of the year off of photography.
Also, in 2023, my parents. decided to get divorced after 33 years of marriage and that alone took an emotional toll on me. How could I celebrate love and unity when my first example of it all came to a halt after 33 years?
It all felt incredibly fraudulent to me and so I took my foot off the metaphoric pedal, put my metaphoric car in park, unlocked the doors, got out, and ran away. Far away; and I ran without a destination and a plan. I decided to isolate and shut everything out.
2023 was one of the loneliest years of my life.
I struggled with being proud of the photography I was producing. I stopped sharing the work I did even though my clients were so proud of the way the photos turned out. I didn’t feel worthy of giving myself a pat on the back for doing any of the work: the editing, the contracts, the invoicing, the budgeting, the bookkeeping, the planning, the marketing, or the fieldwork. I learned in 2023, that I struggle with perfectionism which destroys creativity. So regardless of the work I was cranking out, I felt like no matter what nothing was good enough.
I lacked boundaries in every corner of my life. I said yes when I wanted to say no, I showed up for people when I didn’t and refused to show up for myself, and I knew deep down inside I was self-sabotaging and didn’t know how to own it.
It was all a mental game and it took me all year to really sit back and take a look at what I had built and finally stand in awe to be so proud of myself. Imposter Syndrome is a thing and one that can bring you down if you let it.
I am here in 2024, back to the drawing board to revamp my business and put this dream back on track with better boundaries and better skills to nurture myself as a woman, a wife, daughter, sister, friend, and a business owner. I have learned so much about burning out and what it takes to show up for yourself and prioritize the things that bring you life.
So gone are the days that I do things because I feel like I have to, moving forward it’s about the things that I want to do because they bring me happiness and fulfillment.
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